A suitable partner
In my Life Coaching practice I am sometimes asked, “what do I have to do to sustain a loving relationship, especially a marriage, that actually lasts?”
It might seem blindingly obvious, and at the risk of sounding somewhat Victorian, in my opinion a great relationship starts with finding a suitable partner. I say that because I’m amazed to see how many people get married to someone who is patently “unsuitable”.
Here’s an extreme but real-life example. I once met a woman who was, in her youth, a professional ballet dancer. During the course of her work she met a Russian man who was also a ballet dancer, and after a short time they “fell in love” and got married. Then the problems began, for he couldn’t speak English and she couldn’t speak Russian. Even more problematical, he didn’t want to live in England and she didn’t want to live in Russia, he wanted children as soon as possible and she wanted children only later, after experiencing some career fulfilment
Now I ask you, how was that possibly going to work? Well of course it didn’t and within two months they were initiating divorce proceedings. They were obviously not suitable for each other. The only thing they had in common was a steamy passion and that alone is not enough. But how easily do we go astray when driven by youthful hormones!
There is another essential precondition, and that is the ability of each partner to love the other unconditionally, meaning you accept your proposed partner exactly as they are, warts and all, without requiring them to change anything about their true selves.
That does not mean your partner has free licence to behave outrageously or unconsciously. They might need to shape up and get their act together on some level so they bring something of value to the party. Here’s another example, a woman who met someone and they fell madly in love, but she could not cope with him being a drug addict.
The fact that she couldn’t accept that, and he seemed unwilling or unable to get help and change his ways, made them unsuitable for each other, despite being deeply in love. Eventually, when she realised there was more pain than happiness in this relationship, she ended it.
She’d learned a valuable lesson for, sometime later when she began another relationship with another man who turned out to be an alcoholic, she ended the relationship at once, saying “I don’t want this in my life.” Clearly this pair was not suited to a happily ever after scenario either.
The growth of her emotional maturity was fascinating to watch, for when she did eventually meet a man who she could accept unconditionally she said words to the effect of, “he’s a lovely chap but a bit boring.” There was something about the edginess of her previous relationships that had attracted her but now she was sufficiently perceptive to see that and break the destructive pattern.
The good news is, as their relationship developed and as they began to see some of each other’s hidden depths, they fell more and more deeply in love. Of course nothing is ever guaranteed in life, but this way they both realised they had a far better chance of developing an enduring relationship.
A certain maturity is required, for everyone has annoying foibles and both parties must be able to focus on the bigger picture, i.e. that their love for each other is the most important thing. So if you are looking for love and you meet someone, be honest and enquire of yourself, “can I accept this person exactly as they are – hook, line and sinker?”