Life skills

by | Dec 9, 2022 | Life Matters | 0 comments

 

Fully here, fully now

“Life is wonderful when you can really live it, as animals do, when only the present instant counts.”

So said Bernard Moitessier in his book The Long Way.

Moitessier, the first man to sail solo and non-stop around the world, was referring to the age old concept that only the present moment is real, whereas the past and the future do not exist,  which is why so many spiritual teachers advise us to live in the here and now.

I had come across this idea many times over the years, but it was not until I read Eckhardt Tolle’s book The Power of Now that the lightbulb suddenly flashed on and the simple meaning and truth of it became obvious to me.

 

Essentially, the past is time that no longer exists, it’s just memories. The future hasn’t happened yet therefore it’s nothing but projection and fantasy. But this present moment is actually happening now and therefore by definition it must be real.

By the same token, the only place that’s real is here because you can’t be anywhere else. You might be in New York, Dubai or Tokyo. Wherever you are is your particular here at this moment. Just to clarify, if I come to meet you in Alaska and you ask me where I am, I say “I’m here.” I cannot possibly be in more than one place at a time.

What is the significance of this?

If you can live in the here and now, which most of us find much easier said than done, you can feel fully alive, for everything is real. Your negative stuff such as anxiety, fear and anger, which spring from mental constructs and are therefore imaginary, simply melt away and you find yourself being able to properly enjoy the miracle that is you, your life and the life of everything and everyone around you. You actually experience everything as it really is.

But how to achieve such a state of being? There are two ways that I can think of. The first is meditation.

When you first enter a state of silent meditation, for example, you will almost certainly be bombarded by a jumble or a never-ending stream of thoughts and feelings, and some of them might not be so pretty. Our natural reaction, because of our Western upbringing, is to judge everything. Good, bad, positive, negative, lovely, horrible, beautiful, ugly, prideworthy, shameful, whatever.

But if, as we meditate, we cultivate the habit of being an objective witness to these thoughts and feelings, we can come to a place of acceptance and ultimately inner peace. You drop your attachments to your history, you don’t feed hopes and fears about the future, you are simply here and now, a witness, in a place of peace and acceptance.

The other way is to do what you love. It could be anything. For me it’s writing, coaching, woodwork and sailing, for you it might be knitting or mountaineering. The important thing is to enter wholeheartedly into whatever you are doing. It has to be an affair of the heart. Remember as you cling to that rock face your very life depends on your absolute focus and concentration, and I assure you concerns about the past and future will melt away and you will find yourself completely here, completely now. You become one of life’s participants, no longer a spectator, and you will feel a whole lot better as a result.

Life Lessons

by | Oct 6, 2022 | Life Matters | 0 comments

Free at last, free at last!

Yay, at last I’m writing this epistle from by boat in Western France, where the sun is shining, the weather is hot, the sea sparkling, the croissants delicious and the sailing invigorating, despite very little wind most days. After being a prisoner of Covid for almost three years, at last we’re allowed to travel to France, where I keep my boat.

 

This story proves to me that no matter who you are, you can achieve any goal you want if you really, sincerely feel deep in your heart that it’s absolutely right for you, and if you go about it the right way.

First define you goal, write it down and focus on it like a laser, so you have no room in your brain for any other thought.

Don’t worry if your goal seems daunting or you feel overwhelmed. Just chunk it down into small steps to tackle one at a time. And don’t worry if you can’t see how you could possibly achieve it. If your heart’s in it, soon your first step will be revealed, and that’s all you need to get going. Remember, the journey of 10,000 miles begins with a single step. You put one foot in front of the other and doggedly keep going. Perseverance is the key. Determination. Your laser-like focus will keep you on track.

Don’t give up when the going gets tough. Remember, nobody who gave up ever achieved anything of note. Believe you can do this and if you can’t believe in yourself wholeheartedly, act as if you do.

Now what on earth has all this go to do with me and my boat? It illustrates my point perfectly. You might find it hard to believe, but getting her back in the water, seaworthy and ready to sail, was one of the hardest challenges I’ve ever faced, mainly because totally uncooperative third parties were involved and I had to get them to take action. It was like the irresistible force meeting the immovable object. It began with engine failure.

The one and only engine mechanic in the one and only boatyard in my (former) home port of Bourgenay was so busy that getting him just to take a look at my ailing motor was a major achievement. He told me the engine would have to be removed from the boat and virtually rebuilt.

Getting it fixed and reinstalled took over a year of intensive emailing, using Google Translate, and ‘phone calls in stumbling French to the boatyard, who could not or would not communicate. My emails went unanswered, my ‘phone calls went straight to voicemail, except when they wanted something from me. Eventually they fixed the engine and reinstalled it. Then they sent me a massive bill and shortly after I paid it the company went bust.

Long before that point I would have jumped on a ferry and gone there in person to get some action, but Covid intervened and I was stuck at home. A very beautiful home, but it felt like a prison.

To cut a long story short I was so determined to get that boat in the water with me at the helm I finally got it to happen. It was one of the hardest and most stressful things I’ve ever done, but now I know it was well worth it.

Many times I was tempted to give up, but sheer dogged determination got me there, plus a little help from my friends, and the new boatyard owners.

The power of mañana

by | Aug 1, 2022 | Life Matters | 0 comments

The power of mañana

How many times has this happened to you:

You wake up in the morning feeling in fine fettle after a great night’s sleep. It seems like a reasonable day in the making. But by the time you are halfway through breakfast the ‘phone starts ringing with one problem after another. Then the e-mails that demand immediate action start coming and you realise this is going to be one of those days when everything just seems so difficult…

Soon you’re feeling frustrated, disillusioned and demoralised.

All those precious goals that were nearing fruition are now going to require further work, more effort and more time to get back on track. That feeling of hopeless disempowerment…  It’s so debilitating, and everything you do just keeps going wrong.

This happened to me the other day and I have the perfect answer – leave it till tomorrow!

This is only sensible, for whatever you do today is time wasted because the results keep turning out fruitless. You merely add to your frustration by your refusal to accept what is and give yourself a break. Clearly there is something you are not seeing, or learning, or understanding and you need at least a day of doing something completely different to get over your anger and frustration so you can see what you have to do to put things right. A decent night’s sleep can give you a whole new perspective.

On days like this I ask myself, “why does life seem to become more and more difficult?”

Perhaps it’s because as we get older we graduate to more ambitious goals and achievements, or maybe we develop higher expectations of ourselves, or perhaps the goals we now set are over ambitious? Whatever, it can knock our confidence for six, and that’s never helpful.

In many ways our lives are more difficult – Brexit, Covid, the war in Ukraine, rampant inflation, rising fuel, food and heating costs, etc. – but if you keep blaming external influences for your frustrations you’re on a hiding to nothing. Truth is, “stuff happens,” always did, always will, so we have to adapt by making sure our goals are always achievable. Otherwise nothing in our lives can change 

You will only find the answers to life’s questions when you look inside. Sometimes that takes time. Next morning things almost always look better as you begin to realise, “perhaps if I did this…” or “perhaps I could do that,” or “perhaps if I get some help, I could make this work.”

And sometimes things just need to wait till the time is right.

If you feel you’re pushing a big boulder up a steep hill, it’s a sure sign you are not going with the flow and something you are doing, or maybe just your attitude, needs to change. Take time off to look inside.

A new approach, a modified goal, a helping hand… There’s always a solution to every problem if you sincerely want it.

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Dealing with Anxiety

by | Aug 23, 2021 | Life Matters | 0 comments

How to reduce unnecessary anxiety

Seems I meet a lot of people who are getting more and more stressed out when much of that stress is actually unnecessary and unhelpful.

That’s usually because they are worrying about things they can do little or nothing about, or they are chasing meaningless goals. Let’s look at those one at a time.

Unless you are a Government minister, an epidemiologist, scientist, medic, statistician or Chancellor of the Exchequer, you might believe there’s nothing you can do to help us all get through the pandemic, but there are things you can do to play your part – wear a mask, socially distance, get double jabbed, sanitise, avoid crowds in and out of doors, proceed with caution etc. But as long as you choose to focus only on the negative you render yourself powerless.

Here’s a classic example from real life. Today, without warning, Virgin Media in their infinite wisdom have decided to do “essential maintenance,” meaning I have no internet connection. Because of that I was unable to do a Zoom session with a client, and neither was I able to do some urgent research I wanted to do on the internet. Very annoying and potentially stress inducing. So what to do?

After establishing there was nothing for me to fix at my end I asked myself, what could I usefully do so I don’t waste a precious day? Immediately the answer came – write and edit this article! That only requires word processing and brain power, and when the internet comes back tonight I’ll be able to send it to Becky (editor of this magazine) by email and meet the deadline. Excellent plan!

Moreover, when I have finished doing that I’ll move into my workshop where I have a carpentry project underway, and get on with that.

In other words I refuse to let my life be dictated by the vicissitudes of the internet which is often unreliable and probably designed as an instrument of torture for those who come to rely on it.

Now for meaningless goals. These are goals you decide to chase because they “seem like a good idea” – usually someone else’s good idea – or because they might provide an easy solution, or because they might fulfil someone else’s expectation of what you “should” do.

But when a goal comes from your heart, when it’s driven by your passion and enthusiasm, when it means everything to you, then that goal is meaningful, and only you and you alone will know when that is the case.

The word “should” should never enter the equation when deciding upon a goal, in fact perhaps the word “should” should be banned from the English language, because a goal that is absolutely right for you is the only goal that is meaningful 

Sadly many people try to achieve something they are not really cut out for because someone – your parents, your teachers, your guru – thinks it would be sensible, whereas there is always something for which you have a natural talent and ability, and once you’ve discovered what that is and start to develop it you will realise it’s what you can excel at. And that excellence, once you have mastered whatever it might be, will bring meaning and purpose to your life. “Sensible” doesn’t necessarily come into it.

Otherwise, unnecessary anxiety is virtually guaranteed. Hence my mantra, “do what you love, love what you do.”

 

My to don’t list, and meditation

by | Apr 22, 2021 | Life Matters | 0 comments

My to don’t list, and meditation

Exactly one year ago Boris Johnson told me I’d have to “shield” for twelve weeks, and at the time we wondered how on earth we’d cope with being locked down for such a long time.

Of course none of us knew what was in store and now twelve weeks has evolved into twelve months and I’m still shielding, despite having had my first jab. It looks, for the umpteenth time, as if the light actually is at the end of the tunnel thanks to the vaccines, but that infernal tunnel keeps getting longer.

When this all began a year ago I could see I’d be stuck at home for a while so I came up with a typical Life Coach response – I made a “to-do list”, i.e. a list of goals I wanted to achieve during lockdown. But now I’ve written and published the novel (and even sold a few copies), I’ve lost the two and a half stone I wanted to lose and I’ve made serious inroads into learning to play the piano, I’ve cleared the spare room, I’ve done loads of reading and watched many movies, and done lots of other things, and now I’m ready to re-emerge into the world. But is the world ready for me?

So now, faced with waiting two or three more months of splendid isolation, I’ve come up with a new idea – a “to-don’t list”.

This means I give myself total permission to do absolutely nothing whenever I feel like it, without self-recrimination, so I can get a great sense of achievement for having achieved nothing whatsoever. It sounds ridiculously easy, but when you’ve been brought up with a strong work ethic it does take some getting used to. After a lifetime of working by backside off, I am taking this last opportunity to rest and recuperate before life starts up again.

Of course I still practise the piano because that’s very much work in progress, but it has now become more of a leisure activity than a goal, and I’m still watching my weight because I don’t want to return to being overweight, but no longer so obsessively.

But now I also enjoy taking our dog for an aimless wander around the meadow and then falling asleep in front of the telly.

Of course this is just another coping mechanism to keep myself sane when what I really want is to socialise again with friends and family, and this lifestyle can only be sustained for a while. But if you want something more tangible, I’ve also started an online meditation group via Zoom, which anyone can join from anywhere in the world.

We get together for a bit of a chinwag first, then meditate in silence for 25 minutes. Then those of us who wish to stay have another chat for as long as we like. We call it Zoomeditation and we meet on Wednesday mornings at 10.00 am.

If you’d like to join in just e-mail me at [email protected] and I’ll add you to the list so every week you’ll receive an invitation/ reminder with the Zoom link, so you can click and join whenever you fancy it.

It’s free and no experience is necessary. It’s a great opportunity to look inside and reconnect with yourself, and with other likeminded people too. I do hope you’ll give it a try.