12 things I never knew before I had a dog
Nearly three years ago, we got our first ever dog – a cockapoo called Teddy. We had always been cat people but the kids were keen and, as we were working at home more too, it seemed like a good idea.
We found ourselves in a strange new world, with strange new beliefs, kit and jargon (‘soft mouth’, ‘prey drive’, ‘socialisation’). And I found out many things I’d simply never known:
- Dog owners never refer to each other by human names. You are always ‘Teddy’s mum’ or Lola’s gran’. To ask a fellow dog-walker their human name is an unpardonable faux pas.
- Dogs can’t eat all sorts of everyday things. Chocolate, onions, garlic, grapes, avocado, tequila… Who knew?
- When people say ‘sorry the car smells a bit of dog’, they really mean ‘smells of poo’.
- When male dogs don’t get done, it’s always the man’s idea. (‘My husband felt funny a bit about it.’)
- Dogs are never not hungry. Never. And even if they weren’t hungry, they’d still want your bit of toast, just on principle.
- No one ever says they just have a mutt or mongrel any more. They’ll always have a stab at the heritage: ‘Well, we think he’s part collie, part St Bernard and part greyhound…
- Speaking of which, there are more cross-breed types now than there are sticks to throw for them. Every walk to the park introduces you to a new one: Siberian temple dog, cava-husky-doodle, hairless Peruvian fish hound…
- There’s a strange intimacy between dog-walkers. In the last couple of years I’ve had the most personal conversations about death, illness, mental health, parenting crises… with people whose names I still don’t know (see #1 above).
- Dogs play different roles in different people’s lives: child, companion, fitness buddy, playmate. Even partner. (‘Romeo’s a better kisser than my boyfriend.’)
- Dog perception has strange strengths and weaknesses. They can tell when your partner is coming home 10 minutes before the car draws up… but they don’t know their own tail.
- No matter how badly you did with the puppy training, there’s always at least one dog in the park that’s worst behaved than yours. Thank God.
- All dogs are special, only ours is probably just that tiny bit more special than yours.
WIN A COPY OF DAN’S NEW NOVEL!
Dan has one copy of his new novel, Thank You For The Days (Bloodhound Books), to give away.
For a chance to win, simply send in your favourite dawg photo. There are two themes: Dog Doppelgängers or Best “caught in the act” photo. Email your best photo to
[email protected] and the best one will win a copy of Dan’s book.
Entries must be received by midnight 31st May 2025. No cash alternative.
