The relief of shedding your burden
It is a commonly held belief among health and wellness, as well as spiritual, gurus and many psychotherapists as well, that hanging on to anger, hatred, jealousy, and other “negative” emotions diminishes you just as much as it does the other person, the object of your hatred. Indeed, it may be detrimental to your physical and mental health and it’s certainly not going to help you grow as a human being.
We live in a time of turmoil and for many this is a very serious problem. I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I do have lots of questions and I hope some readers might benefit if we examine some of these.
For example, lots of people I’ve met are angry with their parents or other family members. What’s more, some people never say a word about it, even to themselves, while others never stop. Either way, it can fester. I once had a life coaching client of a certain age who was furious with his whole family for things that had happened in his childhood, many of which I believe he misunderstood, that had filled him with rage and resentment, but he had never resolved the issues.
I said to this man, who was clearly suffering, “but Arthur” (not his real name), “most of these people you’re angry with have been deceased for at least twenty years. Is there not something you could do, now that you are a fully grown mature adult, to resolve or come to terms with these issues so you can shed your burden?”
His reply, “But Dave, can’t you see I have a right to be angry?”
“Of course you have every right to feel any way you want, but this is ruining your life. You said you wanted to get over it, now you say you want to hang onto it, so why are you here?”
The conversation went on further but I’m going to stop the story there.
We can choose how we feel. Of course we have every right to feel sad, miserable, depressed and angry for ever, or we can make a decision to resolve the matter or get over it. It begins with changing your attitude.
Eventually when you become sufficiently mature, perhaps you could reframe the whole issue by thinking to yourself, “well the person who made me angry probably meant well and without in any way condoning their behaviour, I can see now that they did the best they could with the resources and awareness they had available at the time.”
If that is true, and I realise of course it might not be in every case, then perhaps a path opens up towards forgiveness on your side. Maybe you can give them the benefit of the doubt for your own benefit. How they react, if they are still alive, is up to them. But if you are sufficiently aware to be able to do your part and feel that you have truly left no stone unturned in your efforts to shine a light inside, you will shed a burden that may have held you back all your life.
By doing this you empower yourself to move on instead of remaining stuck in victim mode. And in the final analysis, you also have the power never to see that person again. That may be sad, but if you can accept that reality, you can at least get on with your life while putting a spring in your step
For further insightful thoughts and ideas, see Dave’s new blog, The Heart Specialist, and feel free to leave a comment, at http://www.dave-robson.com/the-heart-specialist-blog. For information about Dave’s on-line meditation group, Zoomeditation, you can e-mail him at [email protected], or call 01722 505495